Star Wars Review with spoilers

STOP. if you do not seen the new Star Wars movie and don’t want any spoilers, you shouldn’t read this post.
if you don’t care about that, then read on. keep in mind that this is MY opinion, and no, i did not attend a fancy schmancy art school where i learned how to ‘properly’ critique art. I went to the school of seeing the first (YES, Episode 4) Star Wars movie at our local theater in Randolph, Vermont when i was 9, had most of the figures from that movie (saved my allowance!), and was pretty jealous of one of my friends (RIP) who had the Millennium Falcon. I did have a Tie Fighter (wings popped off when you pressed a button) and an X Wing Fighter (wings opened when you pressed on R2’s head), and those were awesome for hours and hours of play. when winter rolled around (it actually snowed in VT back in the 70’s) my Dad would drive down the road with just the flashers on (not all the time, Mom, just SOMEtimes) and it would look like we were going into hyper-space.

But i digress. Ok, here, then, as we’ve avoided Star Wars spoilers in the preview paragraphs, is my review of Star Wars the Force Awakens.
Cliff Note’s Version: Wait for BlueRay version and then watch it on your PS4.
Morning Cuppa version: I thought it was ‘ok’, and INFINITELY better than 1-3. Rather than subtitle the film “The Force Awakens,” I would have given heavy consideration to “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Our favourite Nerf-Hearder brings back some of his one-liners from earlier episodes, and even considers putting one of the bad girls into a trash compacter as a way of disposing of her after she helps Han and Chewie.
Early in the movie we meet the heroine Rey, who turns out, though she raised herself in a desert, to be quite skilled in the use of the Force. Remember how Luke, the SON of Darth Vader, couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag when we first met him? Yea, Rey can already fight, use a light saber, and scale walls better than Chris Sharma. ALL without training. What? No. Even KATNISS had training with her bow and arrows (hunting for food!). But not Rey. Meh.
Disney’s WAL-E A new droid, BB-8, makes his debut as comic replacement for R2-D2 who has put himself into some sort of suspended animation because he is so distraught when Luke puts himself into exile.
Rey’s new helpers Finn and…the other guy…Po? Like Kung-Fu Panda?…don’t have nearly the chemistry that Luke, Lea, and Han did (no incestuous kissing going on in this film, either), but they try. Po disappears early (how did he NOT see/find Finn???) and then reappears later as Biggs, but only kinda.
Oh, and the scene where Rey uses the Jedi Mind Trick (even though she isn’t a Jedi?) seemed forced (heh heh) and only there for comedic effect.
We see WAAAAAAAAY more female pilots and ground crew running around. I’m not sure why? Girl Power! One of the leads (Finn) has dark skin. He’s the ONLY ONE in the whole film, kinda like Billy Dee Williams, but without the pedo-mustache.Star Wars Lando One of the groups chasing Han speaks with a heavy Irish accent, which made NO sense to me, just like the Chinese-esque speaking other Han-chasing group. WHY? Then, come to find out, the laboriously drawn out final scene was filmed in Ireland. Ah. That explains it.
And the bad guy? He isn’t from the Dark Side. He’s more from the GREY side, if anything, and WHY WHY WHY did they have him take off his helmet????? For the love of EWOKS was that necessary?? Now, if they resurrect him for Episode VIII, I won’t see him as a bad guy, I’ll see him (more) as the bumbling boyfriend from HBO’s “Girls” (which is a pretty funny show, i must say).
And his boss? Voldemort? I mean “The Supreme Leader.” THAT’s what they came up with? Sounds like it came from “Animal Farm.” But really, can’t you see the resemblance?
Star Wars Snoke
Voldemort
Funny thing…near the end, as Ren and Stimpy Rey are done fighting, she seems to be like RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Then the fissure opens up and she’s WAAAAAAAY over there. B leaned toward me and said, “how’d she get so far away?” #Fistbump.
Alright, enough bashing the film. Overall, did I like it? Meh. The best part was being able to see it in a big theater with my wife and kiddo. He’s the same age now as I was when I saw the first one (again, yes, Episode IV), so that’s pretty cool. When looking up the link for the Playhouse Theater I saw that they are showing the new Star Wars. I might just have to make a special trip up to see it there, too.

Let the comments fly, and May the Force Be With You, Always. (And by Force I mean the 70’s and 80’s version, not the toned-down version I witnessed on Saturday.)

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